Lets Laugh

Sorry I haven't been about....family issues....

But just for now....

Success:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

Dressing Up:

A lady will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the 'phone, read a book, and get the post.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Offspring:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dental appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Today's joke come courtesy of Trulyfab.....

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?

Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be
hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

SOME CHILDREN'S BOOK YOU WILL NEVER SEE...

"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"

"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets"

"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"

"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Socket Become Friends"

And finally some words of wisdom....

"The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be friends," the girl told her maiden Aunt. "Now I know what to do with a lover, but what the heck do I do with a 'friend'?"

The wise old lady smiled and said, "The same as with your lover, dearie, only not quite so often."

Well....had a bit of a problem trying to find something for today, but here goes...

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded,

"If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!"

The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would
there be any "we" in the first place."

or......

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.

The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.

The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."

The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

SHOES AT ANY PRICE...

I just wondered whether you buy any of these?

I don't know the price but is a little 'fishy' to me.

Goes back to childhood..

A rose by any other name....especially partners with smelly feet.

P x

Never mind....most people will not be setting the fireworks or bonfires till today or tomorrow.

Here are a couple of nice little missives...

Latecomer: Am I too late for the bonfire?
Host: No jump up there on the sticks, there is room next to that Guy.

A TRUE FACT...

There is an old joke that Guy Fawkes is the only man to enter parliament with good intentions. In the light of today's Westminster the joke hits home. But Fawkes and his co-conspirators were no radical or anarchistic rebels trying to overthrow authority. Rather they represented a thoroughly reactionary force which wanted to turn society backwards.

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.

The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

********

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. "Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

So it is ALL HALLOWS EVE......

I thought of a few jokes and then cackled up....

Q. What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?

A. cereal killer

Q. Why couldn't the witch have babies?

A. Because her husband has crystal balls.

Now if you REALLY WANT A GOOD HALLOWEEN......AND DO SOMETHING GOOD...

BUY DRACULAR A BLOOD HOUND.....

I'll be flying by sometime tonight.

Pauline xxxx

Ok well.....I could not find a 'subject' today so have taken a random selection....

Q: What are the 3 major disasters of the 20's century?

A: Hiroshima '45, Chernobyl '86, Windows '95.

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Q: "What are the similarities between Windows and a submarine?"

A: "You open a window, you have a problem!"

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Why are so many Scottish churches circular?

So nobody can hide in the corners during the collection

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Finally.....a few words of wisdom....

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience